


A Queen's Lament

by Anyia



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 11:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/785420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anyia/pseuds/Anyia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anora writes her thoughts on Alistair's heartache and her own distress in her journal. Rated T for mentions of death and infidelity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Queen's Lament

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally posted (without a title) at Swooping is Bad, an Alistair-centered LJ community. Swoopers, if any of you are reading this, please refrain from revealing who I am or what my LJ username is. I wish to remain anonymous here. Thanks!

It has been many months now, but he still has difficulty sleeping. He believes I am unaware of it, but he will eventually learn that, as his queen, it is my duty to know _everything_ about him.

I, for example, am aware he immediately broke off his relationship with her after the Landsmeet. It was his duty as the new king and my husband-to-be, and she seemed to have successfully convinced him to fulfill it despite his initial misgivings. It was just as well; shehad promised _she_ would have nothing to do with him after I agreed to wed him.

I must admit that she has earned my respect. She willingly sacrificed her love for him to make sure Ferelden had both a king and queen, and she sacrificed her own life to save us all.

And yet… I believe I am jealous of her.

Let me make something clear: I do not love him as I loved Cailan. I believe I will never love anyone as I loved Cailan ever again. But it is still painful to know that my new husband’s heart lies elsewhere, despite what hedesperately wants me to believe.

He rarely even mentions her, these days, but I _know_ what he feels.

I would hear him murmuring to himself by the fire in our bedchamber, late at night, when he believes I am asleep. “I should have stopped her,” he would say. Then he would argue with himself, trying to convince himself that shewanted him to live, and that she would never forgive him for acting like a child after all they did to secure his throne.

Then an awful silence would follow – occasionally punctuated by the sounds of quiet sobbing.

I warned her. This is not what he wanted. I knew this, and this was one of my reasons for not wanting her to convince him to marry me. Of course, I would have preferred that I run Ferelden on my own – I am perfectly capable of doing so, after all – but I also saw how much they cared for one another. I saw the way he looked at her with such devotion that put even Andraste’s devotion to the Maker to shame.

After observing him these past months, I know that he will never gaze upon another woman in that fashion – not even his own wife.

I must commend him for acting strong throughout the entire ordeal: from his reasonable breaking off with her, to the formal words they exchanged before heading into Denerim that fateful day, to the speech we both gave at her funeral. Though no one else could see through him, there was nothing he could do to hide his true feelings from me. That pain of losing your other half, compounded with the burden of having to put on an act to save face… it is the same as what I’ve had to endure every single day since Cailan died.

I have learned, however, to hide the pain extremely well. I have also learned it is never _ever_ wise to let one’s emotions loose while someone else is in the room, regardless of the state of their consciousness. Keeping it all inside, however, will most likely drive us insane. I suppose I will have to tolerate his way of releasing the agony, at least until such a time when he finds a more private way of doing so.

As for me… writing my thoughts down always does the trick. I will, however, take these pages I have written on and throw them into the fire, as I always have.

My new husband shall never know of my true feelings, no matter how much he reminds me of Cailan. This is something I cannot risk, especially after seeing how he cannot reign in his emotions. He will learn to do so in time, but for now, I will have to set an example.


End file.
